The art of leaving the universe

The best place to begin is credit cards,

sticks of gum, and ballpoint pens. Really,

anything you can find between the seat cushions

of your 2002 Impala or in old coat pockets or

under the guest bed. These things will fit

if you believe in yourself, have faith and

a little elbow grease. These are also small

items that you will not miss. There will be resistance, 

but remember to keep your hand steady and firm. 

Next, experts recommend photographs.

Baseball cards will work, if you collected

them as a child. Letters are an old favorite, 

although few candidates receive letters anymore. 

Instead, relinquish the cap you bought in Boca Raton 

on vacation with your ex-wife. You will want to

roll these things up before sending them through

the hole, which should be growing larger now, edges 

crumbling around a black pinprick of dark unlike anything

you have ever seen or experienced before.

Shred the photographs first, if they will not fit.

Proceed without hesitation to the next step.

House keys, cell phone, driver's license, and 

all legal tender must be surrendered to the void.

If you have any pets, send them through.

Artwork, favorite books, and medications must go

as well. You may experience a strange sensation

of friction in the dark. Push through this. It is

expected. You may experience a strange sensation

of dizziness or begin to vibrate. Push through this. 

It is not related to the process of passing away.

Some studies state that the final step is the simplest.

Remove your shoes, belt, pants, jacket, and collared shirt.

You may keep your socks. Bare feet are optional.

As you remove each item, place it in the center

of the hole. It should slip through effortlessly,

freeing your hands for the task of waving goodbye.

When you are naked and standing before the open

mouth of the universe, step through head first,

with your empty palms resting loosely at your sides.

Try to picture yourself as a freshly washed glass jar

drying on a sunlit windowsill. 

Before completing the process, please

leave these instructions folded on the shelf 

to the right of the exit. We are trying to reduce paper waste, 

and we would like to reuse this pamphlet.